Grieving by James White

The book is Grieving by James White. It was originally published in 1997 by Bethany House Publisher. I read the paperback edition. I read it in June of 2025. 

The title is the subject of the book. Dr. White’s first pastoral job was a chaplain in a hospital where he faced grieving people on a daily basis. It was his job to provide them the comfort and peace of God’s word. 

This is Dr. White’s first book. I’ve been reading his books for years and I haven’t gotten to this one. I hadn’t needed to until now. 

My wife and I are currently in grief counseling with one of our pastors. He gave us this book to read as we go through this counseling.  

In May of this year we lost our second baby girl before she was born. She was about 14 weeks in utero. It’s been an incredibly painful couple of months. Our church has been great in coming around us and taking care of us. Our meal train lasted for weeks. And now we’re doing this grief counseling. This book was a great source of encouragement and wisdom. 

Dr. White is one of the most influential authors in my life. I came to the reformed doctrines of grace primarily after reading his book The Sovereign Grace of God. I’m glad he has written a book on grief as well. 

Dr. White understands grief immensely. I’m sure working as a chaplain in a hospital, it came with the territory. He usually writes in a cold logic with a strict adherence to consistency. This book is no different but there is a warmer tone of compassion and care as well. That’s not to say he’s not a caring, compassionate person. I guess his other books just aren’t so focused on real human situations as this one is. I don’t know if that’s a criticism or not. 

My main takeaway from this book is that God is sovereign over your pain and he is still good. This seems like a contradiction, but the real contradiction would come from saying the opposite. 

Dr. White explains that many times in his chaplain ministry he was tempted, for a moment of reprieve from their circumstances, to tell a grieving family that God had nothing to do with this death. But he knew if he did that even for a moment of relief he would be denying the sovereignty God has over this death as well as this life. It would be a contradiction to say that God has the power over life but not over death. He gives and he takes (Job 1:21). In Isaiah 45:7 God says “I form light and create darkness; I make well-being and create calamity; I am the Lord, who does all these things.” Romans 11:36 says “ For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.”  

What do we think these verses mean? Does “all things” really mean “all things?” Yes. Consider the alternative. God is omnipotent…except over death. He can’t do anything about that. That doesn’t make any sense. This is one of those things that is easy to understand but hard to accept. 

But it’s exactly because God is sovereign over death that I have a hope. I’m glad that the godless worldviews aren’t true. We are not just matter in motion drifting through the cosmos without purpose. There is meaning to everyone and everything that happens in life and death. I won’t know what all of those purposes are nor do I need to. 

But I have a hope that I will see my daughters again. It is a comfort to know that they are with Christ in heaven. Heaven has become more real to me. I know it should already be real to me because Christ is there, but even in my human deficiency I’m drawn more to it now that my daughters are with Christ there. I long for it more now. 

The issue I’m struggling with the most is seeing Bonnie’s death as a punishment for my sin. I’m aware of my sin, my anger, my laziness, my lust. It feels transactional. After we lost Elizabeth Anne, there was of course a lot of fear when Lauren got pregnant with Jack. I’d decided to fast until we knew the gender. I was super diligent and faithful about it. I skipped lunch at work and read Psalms and prayed instead. I never missed. And Jack was fine. I did the same with Bonnie but this time I wasn’t as consistent. Sometimes I ate. Sometimes I didn’t read or pray. I stopped going to the office as regularly so I was home and it just slipped at lunch time. And then we lost Bonnie. It’s hard not to connect those scenarios. Faithfully fasting and everything was okay with Jack. Not staying consistent in fasting and we lose Bonnie. Our actions have consequences right? I know the wages of sin is death but Bonnie died. David lost his baby directly as a result of his sin, didn’t he? Is that how it works? 

This book assured me I am not alone. And I would not trade places with a lot of the stories I read in this book. People are going through a lot of heartache. God softened my heart for others through the stories in this book. 

One thing that has been coming to mind is how this is all affecting my son and daughter. They could probably benefit from some form of grief counseling too. I’ve had some good talks with them about this, helping them process their grief. Nolan had a refreshing perspective. We were at dinner talking about Elizabeth Anne and Bonnie one evening and he said “I guess this is just our earth family.” He said it so matter-of-factly. Heaven is so real for him, the girls being there is like them being in another city. 

Audrey has been taking it the hardest. She is so heartbroken that she doesn’t have a little sister. It’s not that she doesn’t have a little sister, it’s that she’s had two and they’ve both died. That’s heartbreaking. 

I’d recommend this to anyone grieving or for anyone who has a loved one who is grieving. It’s a quick read. Dr. White is very extremely faithful to scripture. Every thought and wise word is drenched in God’s word. Great book.

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Quotations

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They took the tiny cradle out of the church and whisked it away in a hearse. Words failed me. (p14)

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Since he is human, he will grieve, for God designed us that way. And since he opened his heart and loved his granddaughter, Autumn Dawn, he will grieve the loss of that special little girl. Anyone who is old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Fight as we might against it, that is the way God made us.

Sadly, some Christians think that they should not grieve. “My loved one is in a better place, so why should I grieve?” Yes, your loved one may well be in a better place, but you have lost an important part of your life, and that causes mourning and grief. (p15)

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Our culture has done everything in its power to rid itself of having to think of death and its consequences. As a result, we don’t talk about it, think about it, or do a very good job preparing ourselves for its certain arrival. (p22)

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One does not seek to escape grief, but to embrace it, work through it, allow it to heal the hurt, so that we can move on with our lives in full light and recognition of what has happened and how God has changed our lives as a result. (p23)

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we have avoided isolation, fear, and animosity, we will not be led into resentment and bitterness.

they had never allowed grief to do what God intends it to do. As a result, they have become hardened, difficult, unloving individuals. It is not a pretty picture. (p40)

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There is nothing wrong with weeping. Even the Lord Jesus, when faced with the tragedy of death and decay, wept (John 11:35). (p50)

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Others in grief feel the same things but may have the added idea that if they continue on with their life and enjoy the world around them, they are somehow showing “disrespect” for the person who has died. It is almost as if their sadness is seen as a memorial to the lost loved one. (p61)

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Quite simply, if I say that God has nothing to do with our deaths, how can I honestly and consistently say that He has anything to do with our lives, either?

God has a purpose in all things, including their suffering. (p73)

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He who spoke the worlds into existence exercises the same power in keeping me safe in His love.

Because of this great truth, I firmly believe that everything in my life-including the greatest tragedies and trials— has a purpose. I may not know what that purpose is, and often I do not. I may not find out even in this life what the purpose for a trial or difficulty was, but I don’t need to know. I have God’s promise, and that is good enough for me. He has promised, many times, that he is about making me like Christ, and since that is my heart’s desire, I know He will be faithful in accomplishing His task. (p74)

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Charles Haddon Spurgeon once uttered these words:

Tacitus tells us that an amber ring was thought to be

of no value among the Romans till the emperor took to wearing one, and then immediately an amber ring was held in high esteem. Bereavements might be looked on as very sad things, but when we recollect that Jesus wept over his friend Lazarus, they are choice jewels and special favors from God. Christ wore this ring. Then I must not blush to wear it.

Have you been called, believer in Christ, to wear the golden ring of suffering, as did your Lord? (p78)